The tragic, sudden death of a loved one is so hard to bear. It can feel like you are cracked open, left with your heart hanging outside of yourself. Sorry, for the graphic nature of the description but that’s what it can feel like to lose someone you love very much.
When my son died this past September, I was besides myself. I felt and feel sometimes like my worst nightmare has actually happened. The questions that usually follow in my mind, are, What now? What’s next? How will I ever recover from this and move on in my life? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?
Other questions that surface are in the realm of: What is this life all about? If there is a God I don’t feel like speaking with him/her/it right now and maybe never. Did my son experience pain and suffering? How can I live with those types of thoughts? Where is my son now? Where is his spirit now?
Life is a journey. Working with what life gives you creates a path. Resisting what life gives you feels like depression and anxiety. It takes an enormous amount of energy to resist life. To somehow try to control it. I am not suggesting that working with what life gives you is easy or that it creates a smooth path. It doesn’t. But opening to possibility feels better than pain and suffering.
Months after my son died, I realized that right next to the crack in my heart where the pain resides is enormous love that I have for him. When things get tough, I ask myself what am I focused on…the pain or the love?